Sorry for the silence this last week. I had a busy work week, became ill and have had a lot on my mind as of late, which I will address below. I only really got the wherewithal to work on Elysium today and so I quickly threw together a much needed patch to smooth over some of the problems with last week’s big update.
You can get that here
From [0.2.2A] to [0.2.2A] Patch 1(12/17/17)
Alrighty, with that tiny band-aid out I needed to talk about some important stuff in regards to Elysium, my personal life, my health, the community and other things. If you’re not much for reading melodrama you’re free to skip down to the bottom, I’ll have a TL:DR
Okay, I don’t even really know how to go about this, Its not easy for me to talk about. As I’m sure some of you may be aware, I am not a well man. To catch everyone else up, I’ve struggled with mental illness for a large portion of my life and its come to a head several times so far. Only a few months ago I dealt with one of these rare but dangerous “episodes”. I’ve been really struggling as of late and I’m sick of these episodes, I’m sick of being on this edge. I want to be a better friend, a better son, a better husband. I want this to be over.
I recently got in touch with some friends and some opportunities have presented themselves to me. So, I’m seeking it out, I’m making changes in my life and doing what I can to get better.
So, what does this mean for Elysium? A lot and not much at the same time. Elysium began as an experiment, a simple thing to see if I could make a game to satisfy my curiosity and body simulation fetish, but more than that it was supposed to be something to occupy myself and make me feel less stress and anxiety in my life. For the most part and for a long time, it did just that, but things have changed as of late.
As my condition has worsened (as it does periodically), I’ve double downed on Elysium, the community we’ve built and everything around it. I’ve sunk too much of my self-worth into the project and so it inadvertently became an extension of my neurosis. I’ve felt so much guilt over every mistake, over every bug, every missed deadline, unanswered comment, dollar taken, undo praise or criticism or dissatisfaction received. Everything.
With my mind as ill as it is and with nearly all my time spent at work, I obsessed and stressed over every free moment I got to try and get anything done. I’d be too burnt out or unhappy to make anything of quality or progress at a nice speed and I would be consumed by guilt. If I took time for my self, I felt guilt. If I did chores, played a game, spent time with my friends, chatting online for too long; I’d feel guilt. I’d still do them, but it ate away at me. I didn’t know what to do or what I was doing.
It finally came to a point where I realized I needed to make changes in my life. I hadn’t played a game or done anything of entertainment value in well over a month, I didn’t have a complete enough update in many weeks and I was burning with stress and guilt. I invited cat over to try and relax, “just get the update finished and have some fun, it’ll be okay” but no, I wasn’t able to finish, what I thought would take a few hours took far longer and I spent half our time together distracted as I nervously tried to finish as fast as possible so some time would still be left. I Finished, got it out, but I felt sick and unsatisfied and there was little time left.
I took the time to think about it and realize what I’ve been doing to myself. and I’m done with it. I’m sick of guilt and being tired and letting my social anxiety and suicidal tendencies control me. I want to be able to work on Elysium because I want to and because it would make me feel good, not just because my toxic addiction to guilt was eating away at me. I want to spend time with my fiance or play a game without a nagging sickness boiling at the back of my brain. So, I’m making changes.
Now, before anyone panics, this is not the end of Tainted Elysium or Atticus.Arc. I’m not done, I’m not quitting, I’m just not going to take things so damn seriously any more. I still want to do creative things, I just don’t want them to control my life anymore, I’m choosing my health over my hobbies basically. I’m not going to stress about deadlines or specifics, I’m going to update when I have updates, work when I can and should and take time for me, my health and my loved ones when I can and should. I’m not going to be ending the blog, or taking down the discord, but I will encourage anyone who was donating on the notion that doing so would result in more stable updates to revoke their patronage. As appreciative as I am of the undying support and generosity I’ve faced, I don’t want people to be miss lead by the nature of my project any longer.
So. TL:DR: I am not mentally well, I want to get better. This means I’ll be spending more time away to get help, and I’ll be working on Elysium with less deadlines and contact so as to free myself of a self built cage of stress and guilt. I am choosing my health over my hobby. I’m done letting self imposed anxiety exacerbate my preexisting conditions.
I’m sorry about all this, but its something I need to do.