Sorry for the silence this last week. I had a busy work week, became ill and have had a lot on my mind as of late, which I will address below. I only really got the wherewithal to work on Elysium today and so I quickly threw together a much needed patch to smooth over some of the problems with last week’s big update.
You can get that here


Tainted Elysium Update [0.2.2A]P1

Change-Log

Debug Command List (a little bit outdated)

From [0.2.2A] to [0.2.2A] Patch 1(12/17/17)

  • [0.2.2A] P1(12/17/17)

  1. x Fixed an issue where Erebus sleep events could cause button crashes because it lacked a event list. For now it’ll use lake lyr setup, until it has its own

  2. x Fixed an erroneous return button in Erebus’s depths

  3. x Fixed an error where sometimes the player would be randomly transported to a new region after encountering a region crossing screen and heading back to the original region

  4. x Fixed an error that caused all possible locomotive verbs to display at once in some areas

  5. x Fixed a problem that caused sugar sickness related messages to not display

  6. ^ Increased sugar sickness chance by a small bit

  7. + Added Debug zone in the forest for ease of access to Erebus for those that just want to see the new events

  8. x Fixed some fetish settings not properly applying to their appropriate events

  9. ^ Ovikari events now no longer show up when Oviposition is disabled due to the related egg laying

 


Alrighty, with that tiny band-aid out I needed to talk about some important stuff in regards to Elysium, my personal life, my health, the community and other things. If you’re not much for reading melodrama you’re free to skip down to the bottom, I’ll have a TL:DR

Okay, I don’t even really know how to go about this, Its not easy for me to talk about. As I’m sure some of you may be aware, I am not a well man. To catch everyone else up, I’ve struggled with mental illness for a large portion of my life and its come to a head several times so far. Only a few months ago I dealt with one of these rare but dangerous “episodes”. I’ve been really struggling as of late and I’m sick of these episodes, I’m sick of being on this edge. I want to be a better friend, a better son, a better husband. I want this to be over.
I recently got in touch with some friends and some opportunities have presented themselves to me. So, I’m seeking it out, I’m making changes in my life and doing what I can to get better.

So, what does this mean for Elysium? A lot and not much at the same time. Elysium began as an experiment, a simple thing to see if I could make a game to satisfy my curiosity and body simulation fetish, but more than that it was supposed to be something to occupy myself and make me feel less stress and anxiety in my life. For the most part and for a long time, it did just that, but things have changed as of late.
As my condition has worsened (as it does periodically), I’ve double downed on Elysium, the community we’ve built and everything around it. I’ve sunk too much of my self-worth into the project and so it inadvertently became an extension of my neurosis. I’ve felt so much guilt over every mistake, over every bug, every missed deadline, unanswered comment, dollar taken, undo praise or criticism or dissatisfaction received. Everything.
With my mind as ill as it is and with nearly all my time spent at work, I obsessed and stressed over every free moment I got to try and get anything done. I’d be too burnt out or unhappy to make anything of quality or progress at a nice speed and I would be consumed by guilt. If I took time for my self, I felt guilt. If I did chores, played a game, spent time with my friends, chatting online for too long; I’d feel guilt. I’d still do them, but it ate away at me. I didn’t know what to do or what I was doing.
It finally came to a point where I realized I needed to make changes in my life. I hadn’t played a game or done anything of entertainment value in well over a month, I didn’t have a complete enough update in many weeks and I was burning with stress and guilt. I invited cat over to try and relax, “just get the update finished and have some fun, it’ll be okay” but no, I wasn’t able to finish, what I thought would take a few hours took far longer and I spent half our time together distracted as I nervously tried to finish as fast as possible so some time would still be left. I Finished, got it out, but I felt sick and unsatisfied and there was little time left.
I took the time to think about it and realize what I’ve been doing to myself. and I’m done with it. I’m sick of guilt and being tired and letting my social anxiety and suicidal tendencies control me. I want to be able to work on Elysium because I want to and because it would make me feel good, not just because my toxic addiction to guilt was eating away at me. I want to spend time with my fiance or play a game without a nagging sickness boiling at the back of my brain. So, I’m making changes.

Now, before anyone panics, this is not the end of Tainted Elysium or Atticus.Arc. I’m not done, I’m not quitting, I’m just not going to take things so damn seriously any more. I still want to do creative things, I just don’t want them to control my life anymore, I’m choosing my health over my hobbies basically. I’m not going to stress about deadlines or specifics, I’m going to update when I have updates, work when I can and should and take time for me, my health and my loved ones when I can and should. I’m not going to be ending the blog, or taking down the discord, but I will encourage anyone who was donating on the notion that doing so would result in more stable updates to revoke their patronage. As appreciative as I am of the undying support and generosity I’ve faced, I don’t want people to be miss lead by the nature of my project any longer.

So. TL:DR: I am not mentally well, I want to get better. This means I’ll be spending more time away to get help, and I’ll be working on Elysium with less deadlines and contact so as to free myself of a self built cage of stress and guilt. I am choosing my health over my hobby. I’m done letting self imposed anxiety exacerbate my preexisting conditions.

I’m sorry about all this, but its something I need to do.

17 Comments

  1. Vadric

    Not a doubt in the world, you are doing the right thing for yourself. There are a lot of sayings about having your health, but as hokey as they can be, there’s a lot of truth to them. It’s not selfish to want to focus on bettering yourself because it really does let you do all those things you want to do in the end. The time you take for your own well-being is time well spent. I admit that I am glad to hear that Elysium is still something you want to do, but the most important part is that you just keep it something you *want* to do.

  2. Duotes

    Please, go experience life. None of us wish you to sacrifice your wellbeing for this project. So take your time getting better, have fun, and be with people you love and are loved by.

  3. some random dude

    I like your game, I’d like to see more of it.
    I well don’t want you to kill yourself over it.
    take a week off, take a month off, In fact don’t work on it till it starts looking like fun again.

    work on the “when it’s ready” up date scheduled and chillax

  4. atlya

    Of course, you should do that.

    Creative endaevours SHOULD NOT eat away at your body and soul, if that’s the caase, you’re doing things the wrong way and should try to find a better way.

    You’re the boss, every decision is your and yours alone.

    Cheers.
    Take care, sir!

  5. Gonkulous

    Take the season off! We’re a patient bunch, and we’d much rather see you healthy and happy. Take care of yourself, relax, and don’t come back to TE until you’re feeling the urge to create again.

  6. Anonnee Moose

    Go for it man. You do you. We’re just here to benefit from the ride.

  7. madmotorcyclist

    Ran your program through a flash debugger and got the following errors:

    After hitting “New Game” Button

    TypeError: Error #1009: Cannot access a property or method of a null object reference.
    at Elysium_fla::MainTimeline/BMT1_out()

    After hitting collecting honey

    TypeError: Error #1009: Cannot access a property or method of a null object reference.
    at Elysium_fla::MainTimeline/RndA()
    at Elysium_fla::MainTimeline/EVENTgo()
    at Elysium_fla::MainTimeline/EVENTgo()
    at Elysium_fla::MainTimeline/EVENT_DISPATCH()

    At this point all the command buttons disappear and the game cannot progress.

  8. HubbaBubbaDickTape

    Dude. take your time. I’ve stuck around this long; I ain’t going anywhere. A porn game, even one as erotic as this, isn’t worth killing yourself over. Go do what you need to do. I myself cleared a few mental health hurdles this year, and I’d love it if you could feel the same relief I have.

  9. Flex

    No worries. We’ll stick around.

    My $0.02. Guilt is a self-inflicted wound. The only person who has the power to make you feel guilty is you. My wife has a similar problem with guilt, and as she suffers through it she loses self-esteem. Her feeling of self-worth diminishes. We’ve talked a lot about it, and one of the things we’ve come to the conclusion on is that she has an external locus of control. That is, her self-worth is not determined by her internal feelings of satisfaction and doing a job well but by other people praising her for doing a job well. Unfortunately, when someone criticizes her, even a minor correction on a job otherwise done superbly, she gets this tremendous feeling of guilt that she let them down.

    I clearly have no idea of your situation, but if this sounds familiar, if the TE started as a way to feel like you are in control of something and now it feels like TE controls you, then you should walk away until you feel like you control it again. If you feel like the people reporting bugs are showing you how poor your programming skills are, you need to get rid of that feeling. I’m not a programmer by trade, but I’ve read a lot of code in the last 40 years, starting with assembly and machine code, and you are doing things that I don’t think I could. I know that’s not all that high praise, who am I, and how to I rate in the programming world? Nowhere. But I think I can recognize skill when I see it. Don’t think that bug reports are a measure of skill, my engineering team has code that has been in production for 5 years and we are still finding bugs (I mean making improvements to the functionality).

    Finally, again I’m not a therapist, but you might want to look at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There is nothing wrong, and a lot to praise, in identifying a problem and working to fix it. My understanding of CBT is that it works to reward behaviors which are healthy and, punish is the wrong word, but reduce the frequency of behaviors which are unhealthy largely by giving you the tools to identify them and also tools to reduce their impact.

    But the best recommendation I can make is to see a mental health professional. I’m really no more qualified than your local barman, and I’m too far away to go out to a pub with you. Although I imagine I would enjoy the experience. Again, if you no longer feel you are in control of TE and it’s controlling you, then you need to put it away. I suspect TE can be a great tool to help you feel in control of something, but you need to continue to feel in control. Good luck, and you have more friends around the world pulling for you than you think you do. Cheers!

  10. Anonymous

    there are hundreds of people out there who are willing to help that i’m sure you can sift through. Getting people to delegate tasks to (many of which you probably won’t want to do yourself) will not only lighten the load, but it will also decrease that massive burden of responsibility. Games like these I don’t think can be completed by just one person in a realistic period of time, it’s just so much work. Trying to tackle this singlehandedly sounds like a great way to make this as stressful as possible.

  11. MountFranky

    The brain is an odd thing and it’s such a balancing act to get it back on the right track and keep you in a good place, but by the sounds of it you’ve got a supportive partner and the right attitude to take good steps in the right direction. Take care of yourself man, take your time and get yourself in a place where you can be happy and feel stable.

  12. Dingotush

    It is all too easy to get caught up in the pressure of getting things finished. What started out as a fun personal project can become a burden, and something you feel you “owe” others to keep working on. That’s – not right. I flip back and forward myself. Sometimes I really enjoy the challenge, and feel connected with the wider community – good things. At other times I just don’t have the enthusiasm, and it seems overwhelming. Especially at this difficult time of year, I think you have to follow your heart. Enjoy the company of those you love, and take time for you. Enjoy playing games rather than creating them (besides, it’s all /research/ isn’t it!). *hugs*

  13. Aern

    I keep coming to this site, not for the promise of really hot sci-fi porn (i mean…yeah) but to see your story.
    I’m not talking about the in-game story (but its good so far) but your LIFE story. You are, without a doubt, the strongest person i think I’ve ever seen.
    Life just keeps hitting you with shit after shit after shit after shit after shit after shit. AND YOU STILL KEEP GOING. like holy fuck i don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone fight through as much crap as you.
    When i visit this site, and you’ve updated, I’m all “Great, he did an update, that’s great. =D” but then when you don’t update and you tell us about a thing, I’m all “Hows he deal with it this time? >=3” everything you go through, everything you survive, hasn’t stopped you. its tired you out, yeah. but never has it stopped you.
    If you need to stop and breathe…then just breathe. and keep breathing until you aren’t tired anymore. We can wait. We’ll be here. hell if you need to come vent to us do it. If you need our support ill give it (cant make promises for others but yah ill totally support you). Don’t worry, just breathe. You can do the thing. you are a unique and special person. you can do the thing. i, a random person on the internet, believe in you ^.^/

    • Anonymous

      cringe

      • Aern

        im glad you approve

        • Anonymous

          cringe

  14. whyiouth

    I’m just here to fap and read updates. I wouldn’t ask anyone to jerperdise their health for the sake of my erection.

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